Love the Katetakes5 listography theme this week! Without futher ado I shall crack on with “5 Celebrities I’d like to Punch” . . . I’m going to enjoy this . . . MMmwmwwaaa ha ha ha ha (evil laugh.)
Piers Morgan – Over-opinionated, smarmy, judgemental, conceited, toss-bag. With a stupid face. That’s just ASKING for a wallop! Just how short are people’s memories, exactly? Why is ANY television show giving him air time? Set to dominate America??? Do they even know about his paper publishing totally faked photos of our soldiers abusing an Iraqi prisoner? Published without an attempt at verifying their authenticity, and without the slightest interest in the harm they would do? And now he judges a talent show . . . words fail me.
And his voice is really annoying . . . grrrrrrrrr.
David Blaine. The Git-Wizard. Don’t get me wrong, his early shows – the street magic and stuff – brilliant. But what the hell happened? Blaine has been entombed in an underground plastic box for seven days, stood encased in a massive block of ice for 63 hours, and stood on a 100ft high pillar for 35 hours. I’m sure these were tricky to accomplish, but I can’t help but think “woop-di-f***ing-doo!” Boring to watch, self-indulgent, poppycock. (Now there’s a word that should have a resurgence) STOP THINKING YOU’RE JESUS, BLAINE AND DO US A CARD TRICK!
“Lorraaaine Care -ly” Och aye this wee lassie wud gairt a reight slarp aboot the fizzog if a’had ma weey!” (That was Scottish that was.) Well maybe I wouldn’t punch her but a VERY aggressive hair mess up – minimum! I don’t know what it is about Lorraine but she does my nut in! Making out she’s all, like “OH I’m just a regular hard-working Mum – I wouldn’t buy designer and I struggle with ideas for tea” My arse! I don’t trust that face. I think she really lives in a big palace, has loads of servants, and secretly hates every guest on her show. I’m onto you Lorraine – your thin veneer of amiability and sycophantic interview technique doesn’t fool me!
Slightly cross-eyed dick-head.
Cheryl Cole – Ooh, controversial! Sorry for including the nation’s darling, but has no-one actually noticed that she’s really really dull? Or that she punches black toilet attendants? Ms Curl has provided me with genuine entertainment only twice. Once when she farted on X Factor, and once when she caught Malaria (Yeah yeah – I’m going straight to hell) it was just the irony that she’d been up a friggin’ mountain to raise money . . .for malaria nets!
Did you know that in 2010, a mountaineer became the youngest British Woman ever to climb Everest? We also had amazing sports women, entrepeneurs, fundraisers and woman risking their lives on the front line in Afghanistan. But who wins “Woman of the Year?” . . . ffs!
(and I bet she’s NOT worth it!)