Pure Plagiarism!

Tonight’s blog is pure plagiarism – from my infant-self. I was going through some of the stuff my Mum had kept from when I was little and found an exercise book from primary school entitled “Stories, By Elizabeth King (that’s me) Form 3” Now, honest to God – I am about to copy, for your reading pleasure, the first story from my book word for word. Exactly as my mini-self had written it all those years ago. I’d be very interested to know what you think because – quite frankly, if I’d have been my teacher I’d be drafting in a child psychologist and doing some SERIOUS analysing.

(Either that or I was a child genius.)

Without further ado. . . Ladies and Gentlemen . . . I give you . . .

“My Wedding”

By an iddy biddy me.

“Today I went to get married. I didn’t were a very nice dress and not very nice shoes and I did not brush my hair eether becouse I was so ecsited. My shoes were purely white. My dress was a minny dress and was a creamy sort of white. It was not all strate but the top was strate and the bottom was all frilly. Also there was a bit of lace at the top. My husband looked nice. He had on a bow ti and his dinner jacket. He put his false legs on (???!) and trousers that were black with 10 red spots and 11 green spots and black shoes that were shiney with white lacess too. I wore a top hat that was black aswell but he hated my ring.

(It gets worse!)

When we got half way across the church I began to srink. All the ghosts, monsters wiches and devells and vampires ran off because they could not stand the sight of me. So did my husband. I shrank and shrank untill I was as small as a germ. Wen I stopped srinking I said in a high and sqeaky voice “OH NO!” I said this because I had seen one big enourmos ghost and he said in a deep voice “hello.” I was terefied but it was only my husband not a ghost, and as he said “hello” he sucked me into his brain. It was absolootly horrabul. In fact I wanted to get out but I could not. I sat down in the brain and cried and cried and cried my eyes out of my head. But the good thing was that they did not fall out of my head. I would not be happy even if a clown came to cheer me up.

Then I said “this will not do” and stood up. My husband sneezed and I flew down out of his mowth and out of his brain. I went “weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” all the way down. I landed on some soft grass and grew and grew back to my normal size. Me and my husband went home and turned the telly on because I wanted to wach the news on ITV. (WTF??) The news man said there was only one dragon left in the world and it was in danger.I decided to save him but before I did I turned the telly off.

That was the Day I Got Married”

So there you have it. I can promise you that apart from quotation marks, nothing has been altered. Lucky my husband didn’t read this before we tied the knot, eh? I’d probably still be single! (In my defence though, I obviously had some incredible foresight as I can confirm that my actual wedding dress wasn’t a million miles away from the description. And also – a lot of the contents of my husband brain is indeed “horrabul”)

Like this post? Check out the sequel – https://waterbirthplease.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/pure-plagerism-part-2/

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “Pure Plagiarism!

  1. That made me laugh out loud, in fact I am still laughing out loud! WTF????? Thank god social services didn’t give a crap in those days! LOVE it xxxxx

  2. ha ha ha ha ha!! Excellent!! Gonna get Paul to read this now!
    XxX

  3. as long as he promises to still be our friend afterwards! (Worrying isn’t it?!) x

  4. ha ha so Paul is hysterical now too!! we especially love the line I would not be happy even if a clown appeared!!! BRILLIANT!!!
    XxX

  5. Personally, I liked the line about turning the telly off. Very eco-conscious, even when there’s dragons that need saving! Glad I amused xxx

  6. Hahahahaha. Love it. Especially the Very British “This will not do”.

  7. Awesome!! I love finding random stuff from when you’re little. It’s always so bizarre…

    Oh, and there’s a little award for you over at my blog – just because you make me smile πŸ™‚

    http://wp.me/pXuHW-cH

    xxx

  8. Oh jesus I just pissed myself! How fricking hilarious is that post!!!! You legend! xoxox

  9. WTF?????? gonna have to look up my old school books now – are you sure you hadnt eaten anything mushroomy before writing that!

  10. PRICELESS! That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in an age. It’s funny in so many places and on so many levels. Get in your lost and dig out more, I must have more.

  11. Oh. My. Goodness. Me. THAT is pure genius. I love it! I wish I had some stuff like that….I may have to go on a hunt through my parents loft now. So funny, thanks for sharing xx

  12. was it like, how u actually wanted your wedding to go…were u disappointed at the alter when your husband didn’t sneeze the shrunken-to-a-germ-you out of his head, and you didn’t get to go ‘weeeeeeeee’????

    that’s some pretty hallucinogenic stuff!

    brilliant !

    tamsyn x

  13. hilarious! you had one wild imagination πŸ™‚ and glad none of it came true!

  14. Pingback: Pure Plagerism, Part 2. « waterbirthplease

  15. Pingback: Top 5 Funniest Blog Posts | waterbirthplease

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