The Gym . . .Part One

It starts here. I have joined a gym! No more wobbly belly, cellulite or monster arse for me! No more being out of breath after climbing a flight of stairs. It’s health, health, health from now on! (It’s also costing a fortune so I’m damned if I’m not getting my money’s worth.)

This particular Gym was selected carefully for its 2 week cancellation policy excellent childcare facilities and I thought I’d share my thoughts on my first visit. It only entailed a quick swim the pool with toddler in tow (after all – it’s her gym too now. She has her own little membership card and everything!) Now I don’t want to go mental pumping iron and prancing about in Lycra just yet, so I thought a quick swim with the little one would give me a feel for the place and get me enthused. It didn’t pan out like that.

The first thing I noticed was how POSH the changing rooms were compared to the local swimming baths. It had mirrors! There were no bodily fluids on the floor and no dirty nappies strewn about. It was also warm. Lovely. However, on venturing in I am presented with a stark naked girl of about 20 who is obviously a supermodel of some description, legs up to her armpits, perfectly tanned, a size 8 maximum and tits so pert I assume her nipples are saluting the sun in honour of the summer solstice. I feel like Thora Hird. Women like that should at least have the common decency to use a cubicle. (Not that it makes a great deal of difference as the piece of dental floss and postage stamp-sized scraps of material that pass as her bikini leave little to the imagination.) Cow.

We picked a good time though as the pool is pretty empty and we have the baby section all to ourselves. The only other customers are a couple of swimmers doing lengths and a Jacuzzi full of guys with learning difficulties who Grace takes a shine too and keeps waving at them from her perch on the little shelf in the water. Her confidence increases dramatically as she realises that she’s just tall enough to keep her feet on the floor, and she thoroughly enjoys jumping, splashing, and clambering all over Mummy in the water. Sadly to the extent that she fully exposes my left boob and I don’t even realise (even when the gentlemen in the Jacuzzi become quite animated – I just assume they are enjoying watching the little one splash about and I happily wave over to them thinking how nice it is that they take such pleasure in watching mother and daughter swim together. They are in fact just very happy to see a boob.) Ah well, I suppose it’s better than
them running from the hot tub in horror or shielding their eyes.

After our swim I reward myself for the new start of my new healthy life style with a latte and a Toblerone. I leave the premises slightly blinkered to the spandex clad Goddess’s pounding away on various machines and wonder how I’m going to look next to them. (Like Grotbags and Cindy Crawford decided to have a race probably.)

Stuff it! I shall don my sports gear ****memo to me – get some sports gear!!!*** And I shall pound away with the best of them! I WILL I WILL I WILL! Move over Nell McAndrew, jog on Davina – Minty and the Giblet are about to take the fitness world by storm! (The SECOND I’ve finished my Mars Bar.)

I shall keep you posted . . .


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6 responses to “The Gym . . .Part One

  1. hahaha! Just don’t end up like the freak in your picture!!

  2. What do you mean?? That’s my goal! x

  3. Ha!

    Thanks for the comment on my blog. :O)

    I always think I should reward myself when I work out with chocolate. :O)

  4. Thank you for this post, you have made me laugh! Love your writing style, looking forward to reading part two, I hate gyms and admire your determination!

  5. Pingback: The Karma of Kids | waterbirthplease

  6. Pingback: The Gym . . . Part Two | waterbirthplease

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