Oh for F*** Sake!

I came THIS close to wrapping up a tin of tuna as a Christmas present for one of the cats yesterday. That’s how ridiculous things have got. All of our animals get a Christmas present, but one of our cats is exceptionally fussy and tuna was the only thing I know she goes mad for. I seriously had to stop myself.
 
Yes, “The Big Wrap” took place. (I was convinced I’d hardly got my daughter much at all this year. However, once I’d actually put together the bits and bobs I’d been accumulating for her over the past month or two, the mountain of festively wrapped goodies told a very different story. Oops.)
 
At first the task was lovely and festive. I lit the coal fire, had Christmas tunes on the telly, had all my wrapping paper ready and  sticky tape IN A DISPENSER thank you very much, and off I went.
 
Now there was me thinking that taking Grace out the way to Grandma’s would mean that getting everything wrapped up would be a doddle. I forgot about cat number 2, Winnie. Turns out trying to wrap gifts with a brain damaged, deaf feline is trickier than I’d imagined. Every time wrapping paper was unrolled it was dived on gleefully, and immediately shredded by Whinnies who sprang from no-where. Ribbon was batted incessantly, and tags were stolen and chewed up. Being deaf, shouting or hissing at her is obviously futile, so at the vet’s advice, we’d been using a water spray as a means of behaviour control. 
 
The end result was soggy wrapping; a mental cat tangled up in red ribbon, shredded paper and shredded nerves. I did not feel quite so festive by the end of it.
 
Not 24 hours later and I have broken my toe. Winnie’s fault. With my arms full of a thrashing toddler having a tantrum and no chance of managing a water spray too, I tried to separate a cat fight between my two precious fur babies by basically, booting one of them out the way before they killed each other. Sadly, due to the little one screaming down my lug hole, my aim was poor and the end result was a hard kick straight into the corner of the stair post, with only a thin sock for protection.
 
If it had been a screaming competition between Grace and me for the resulting minute or two – I’d have won hands down.
 
Worst thing is, (apart from the pain), that I swore when I did it. Loudly, profusely, and with all my heart.
 
“FOR F**K’S SAKE!!!”
 
And now it would appear that Grace has taken these new exciting words on board and uses then at every opportunity. I am mortified.
 
I watched her fondly in her little woolly dress and pigtails as she carefully figured out how to open her Snowman DVD. She turned the box this way and that. She scratched and patted it. Eventually, she turns her little head to me and sighs heavily. “F***sake Mummy.”
 

Oh God oh God oh God. Bad BAD Mummy!
Why has this particular phrase come so easily and yet “I love you Mummy” – though drummed into her constantly – is not forthcoming?
 
Why have I got Grace too much stuff for Christmas AGAIN and my husband diddly squat?
 
Why won’t my toe stop hurting?
 
MERRY BLOODY CHRISTMAS!  
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14 Comments

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14 responses to “Oh for F*** Sake!

  1. Colleen (Chollabean)

    Brilliant as always! X

  2. That is classic! This morning I said “Oh Christ!” loudly from upstairs, The Boy then started saying christ, christ, christ which was desperately followed by my husband saying ‘mas, Christ-mas sweetheart’ and glaring up at me!

  3. Noooo your poor toe! And maybe you could plead infant Tourette’s for a bit till she forgets? Hope you’re not hobbling around!

  4. sorry but I am literally sitting here PMSL. from sitting here reading this it is so so so funny….and each bit just gets funnier…..(Elaine finds herself banned from any more updates). Now had you just been videoing either incident it would have been worth money. youtube or you been framed.
    Hope the toe feels better soon, and just ignore the word when she uses it and it will become like any other then if she doesnt hear it again it will be forgotten.
    We have all done this sort of thing, and they instantly seem to catch on to the naughty words, its a toddler skill.

  5. Ooops – has been one of my big fears that mine might hear me in work mode f-ing and blinding away – so far so lucky but there for the grace of God we all go

  6. katherine brown

    Aww,you make me giggle minty! X love it!

  7. Love it Minty!

    It is amazing what children pick up!!!! My friends little girl stuck up her middle finger the other day and cried ‘SPIN, Makka Pakka’!…………had me rolling in hysterics!!!

    Hope the toe is feeling better……….

    Alejandro still doesn’t really have many words he says although he knows how to get what he wants in both languages! if he doesnt get it when he says ‘more’ then he tries ‘mas’ to see if he can get it if he uses Spanish!!!
    (bilingual at getting his own way!)

  8. Beedoo

    Merry Christmas Minty!! xx

  9. Keri

    From what I’ve been told, my first word was “sh*t” thanks to my lovely father. I can just imagine it now, crawling as fast I can down to the bottom of mum and dads bed to get away and then this big scary tattoo covered arm grabs my leg and pulls me all the way back, and I say “sh*it.” My poor mother was mortified lol. Have a good Christmas Minty. Love to you all.

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