I’ve realised today that I’ve been ignoring Mother’s day. Turning a blind eye to it: pretending it isn’t there. You see, although I am a Mum, I miss having one. I miss choosing you a card and a present. I miss saying “Happy Mother’s Day!” over the phone. In fact I really miss saying plain old “Hiya Mum” over the phone.
I saw the perfect card for you the other day in Marks and Spencer’s and it made me feel angry that I had no need to buy it, so I pressed on with the shopping and pretended I hadn’t seen it. It was on Mothers day a few years ago that I drove over from Bolton for a surprise visit – remember? I tapped on the living room window brandishing a big bouquet? You cried out and jumped out of your chair to let me in, then told me off for arriving in the middle of Coronation Street.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. Especially at this time of year. It seems I can’t go anywhere at the moment without a pink banner, a supermarket promotion, a junk e-mail or a flower display being slammed in my face serving no other purpose than to remind me that you’re not here anymore.
One thing I heard you say a lot was “Darling, you grew up in spite of me, not because of me.” You didn’t relish the early years, I know that. But this makes you human, and makes me feel OK about the days I might doubt myself. You may always have joked about your parenting skills, but you got it so right Mum. I think back on you as a role model and a friend, a Mother and a mentor.
I remember you holding my hair back when I was sick as a child, and your cool hand on my forehead. I always felt safe with you around – like a lion cub must feel knowing their lioness mother is just behind their shoulder. Loosing you feels like I have lost my safety net in life: what I good job you have taught me to balance well.
I have no card and no flowers, so I shall say it here and now, and hope they have a good broadband connection in heaven:
Happy Mother’s Day Mum. I Love You,
Your Minty x