A Dark Place

I have been to a very dark place. A place with low lighting, shallow breaths and holding a cold thin hand. Where nurses come  with pain killing injections and sympathetic hands on your shoulder before they disappear again. A place where the all the much-loved pets, usually so giddy and loud, lie silently curled up on the bed.

I know she could hear every single word. I know this because of the direct eye contact and last huge smile when I told her about Grace’s new pink bedroom.

Memories push their way into my mind of my childhood: I was surrounded by family. Grandparents around the corner. Aunts, uncles and cousins too just a few minutes away. A mothers cuddle. A fathers doting attention. I think of us all on a sort of island: a patch of land that was my little word, my family. Now I can only stand in the centre and watch as the perimeters slowly crumble  and those I love drop away from me.

Please . . . no more.

It is both a privilege and a deeply haunting experience to be with someone in the last moments of their life. I am glad I had the chance  to tell her I love her, and thank her for everything she’s done: for all the times she was there for me, and the times  were many.  I am glad I could do this one last thing for her. I am glad she waited for me.

After she had been taken away by the funeral home, I sat on the end of the now empty bed, like I always did when we analysed some trashy reality show together, and watched the coal fire as it still burned. Her little dog is lost. I am lost. Others are lost. The world will be that bit darker without her light.

And I am still in a dark place. I have to revel in the joy of my baby girl, and hope that my own little family, along with time and tears will heal me, and that slowly, the horrors and the images  of this halloween will fade and  light will slowly filter back.  I will tell Grace, as promised to someone very special, that Aunty H is watching over her from the very brightest star in the sky, and hope that she retains a memory of her.

I will miss her with all my heart.

Say Hello to Mum for me xxx

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “A Dark Place

  1. Huge hugs for you. Don’t know what else to say, except I wish you didn’t have to go through this. And we are here for you always xxxxx

  2. Bless you love. I have been there too. Let yourself grieve and cuddle your little family close. Glad for you both you got to say goodbye x

  3. oh goodness me. What a very moving post. There are no words I can say. Except I am thinking of you and sending you all a big hug.

  4. thinking of you xxx incredibly moving

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. I was there when my Nan died and my Husband was with his Nan when she passed away and we’ve both discussed at length how we’re so glad that we were. I think you can be very proud that you provided comfort to a loved one during their final moments and know that you enabled her to find peace.

    Lots and lots of love being sent your way, I’ll be thinking of you and if you EVER need to chat, I’m always around xxx

  6. having a little cry for you honey xxxxx

  7. Keri

    She said she’d be watching over us all Minty. She said she’d be keeping a very close eye on us two in particular. Another post that’s brought me to tears, but its an honour reading it all the same xxx

  8. What a moving post and so eloquently written. I will always remember Helen with fondness- she was a fab waitress and we had some good times at the pub. I lost my younger brother a couple of weeks ago – he died very suddenly from a massive heart attack. I was devastated, but I never had to watch him suffer from such a wretched, vile illness. I guess that’s the way we’d all choose to go if we could. Sending you and your family loads of love. Sally xxxx

  9. Sending you love at this horrible time. Hold your family close and remember the happy times. I lost my sister to cancer seventeen years ago. It was and still is a devastating loss but I take comfort in the belief that she is looking down on us and shining her light into our lives. xxx

  10. Oh Minty, I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. I can feel the pain in this beautiful tribute to your aunt, how much she means to you, how you’ll miss her. I can’t say anything to take the pain away, but know that I’m here if you want to chat. So sorry

  11. Would like to respond to each and every beautiful comment as each of them has honestly helped. I just don’t feel up to that, but thank you everyone. As always – the on-line support is truely moving xxx

  12. Oh Minty, I’m so so SO sorry. That’s all I can say. Big hugs to you xx

  13. Oh sweetheart, what an incredibly emotive post and a beautiful tribute.

    CJ x

  14. Beautiful, beautiful post

    Thinking of you and your family x

  15. Oh my dear girl, please be gentle with yourself and please, when grace smiles, or a bird sings or a leaf falls, smile yourself too, dig deep when it feels dark, flickers of light appear, they’ve not been snuffed out, you just have had such tear stained eyes it blurred them…people care, I am so sorry and I wish I could give you a real cuddle…xxxxxxxxxx

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